Honesty

Most people who know me will tell you that I tell it like it is. It's true. However, as those closest to me can attest, I often keep most of my personal feelings bottled up until they run over. Yesterday was one of those days. I have kept so many feelings bottled up for way too long.

I keep this blog not only for myself to look back on, but for my girls. I want them to be able to look back at this and see what our lives were like "back then." I want them to see how much fun they had, and how much they were loved. I want them to see how much their mama adores them and always has. I hope they see that anyways. I don't only want them to know about the best times. The sugary sweet moments. The always happy, smiling, funny mama. I want them to know the honest truth. That I'm a human, that life is not always perfect, and that it's OK to feel ALL of your feelings.

While I have enjoyed and savored every single second that I get to spend at home with these girls, things are difficult. When I had Emma we had a good bit of money saved up from my years of teaching that we could use to "get by" so that I could stay home to be a full-time mom, my greatest desire. I knew things would be tough, but had no idea how much it would stress me out. Brad's paycheck as a teacher doesn't pay all of our bills, much less food, gas, car insurance. I had no clue how quickly our "savings" would be used. It's hard. I'm stressed on a daily basis just from managing our finances, but I hope my girls never see that. I'm fairly certain that they don't. When I'm with them, I'm 100% with them. My mind is nowhere else, and I try hard to keep it that way.

Let's be honest. Over the last 2 years, money has been the least of my stress. This year has SUCKED. My Dad getting sick and eventually passing away was the single hardest thing I've ever had to experience. It has ripped out my heart and I'm struggling to keep it together most days. Like I said, I put on a smile, keep focused on my girls, and I survive - putting one foot in front of the other because I HAVE to. But that's all.

I miss him every single moment of every single day. I've heard that at some point it will get easier, but I'm seeing no signs of that. I can't fathom a day where I miss him less or think about him less. I'm not really certain I want to. I just hope that a day can come where I can look back and smile. Not cry for my loss, but merely be thankful for the time we had. I AM thankful, but I'm also deeply, deeply grieving and sad. How do you piece your heart back together when it's been broken so permanently? When will a quiet moment to myself pass by with peace instead of tears? When will I be able to look at pictures of him and just be happy, instead of thinking of how it felt to speak my last words to him as I watched him slip away?

I want those last 2 weeks to disappear. I don't want them in my memories. I don't want to see what I saw, feel what I felt, or let those horrible memories taint my recollection of my sweet Daddy. I just want to remember him as he was when I was growing up. Before his depression, before his physical pain, before the drinking, before he got sick. He was the best Dad in the whole world. I'm quite certain that no one has ever loved me more, or ever will again.

What's my point? Abby, Emma, it's OK to be sad. It's OK to let the tears fall and even more OK to let someone comfort you. It's OK to be angry and to grieve like there's no tomorrow. But there IS tomorrow. You have both taught me that. I would never have made it this far out of the pits of depression without you both. I'm still working on myself. I'm working on being genuinely happy again, but have no idea how to make that happen yet. I'll get there. I love you both more than life itself, as did your Grandaddy. I can never thank you both enough for giving me reason to get up in the morning, and reason to be a better person tomorrow than I am today.

Love you both, your Mama.

Nekky Booty

Houston, we have a problem. Emma has figured out how to take her diapers off. All of them. Not just the ones with velcro, but the snap diapers too. I thought I was safe with those. Nope. Behold. In all of her royal nakedness, Princess Nekky Booty. That's what she says when she's "nekkid."

When I was in the hospital having Abby, my sister-in-law was watching Emma for us. Em was in disposables for those few days and apparently figured out how to take those off REAL fast. Since then, it's only happened a couple of times, and only with velcro diapers. Only once has there been a mess, and it was luckily only pee.

Today I put her in her "nap diaper." It's a pocket diaper with snaps (3 on each side!) holding it closed. Foolproof, right? It takes her awhile to fall asleep sometimes, so I glanced at the video monitor every now and then. She was happily playing with her stuffed animals and blankets each time I checked. Then, silence. She fell asleep. A couple of hours later I went in to wake her up and was dumbfounded by the sight which I beheld. Nekky booty. With her face in her diaper. Her.wet.diaper. She's a nut job. So what's a mom to do? I grabbed my phone, snapped the picture, and proceeded to send it to both Brad and my mom. And now, it's on the internet. You had better believe that I'm going to show her this when she gets older. The things she puts her mama through.....

So now I guess I get to pull out the onesies and put one on her for every nap. If that doesn't work......I don't know. Ducktape??

Wordless Wednesday

A normal day

I thought I would write a little bit about what our days look like right now with a 2 year old and a 2 month old. I'm afraid that I'll wind up forgetting all of these things one day, as I already HAVE with some of Emma's babyhood. I may have done this before, but not about both girls. So, here you go.

8:00 wake up. Abby starts to stir around 7:30 usually, but I can put her passy back in, flip her onto her belly, and keep her asleep until Emma's up. Emma gets up somewhere around 8:00-8:30. I go get Emma up and bring her into our bed to "nuggle" and I nurse Abby while Emma watches "Mickey Mouse Cluh-house." It's a pretty sweet time of the day.

8:30 Breakfast. Abby sits in her bouncy seat or the swing while I drink a cup of coffee (thank GOD for the Keurig) and fix Emma's breakfast. She usually eats pancakes or waffles, or the occasional cheese eggs or bowl of oatmeal. She always has fruit, and usually some yogurt too. We've started letting her watch either Blue's Clues, Rugrats, or Madeline on my laptop from Netflix while she eats. It keeps her happy so I can check my email and tend to Abby.

9:00 Playtime. I usually take this time to clean up the kitchen and run some laundry while Emma entertains herself. There's usually some Sesame Street involved at some point. When I'm done, we play in the living room/playroom.

10:00-10:30 Naptime. I try to get both girls down around 2 hours after they wake up. Emma typically plays for a good 30 minutes in her crib before falling asleep, but once she's out - she's out. She would probably sleep for 3 hours if I let her. I sometimes do! After she's in the bed, I change and feed Abby and put her down. She falls asleep on her own in her crib. I occasionally have to put the passy in a few times, but she goes down SO easily.

1:00 Lunch. I sometimes have to wake Emma up from her nap for lunch. I try to get Abby up a little earlier and feed her before Emma's up. Emma's quite the sleeper. Lunch usually consists of a sandwich, puffs (similar to Pirate's Booty), and fruit, along with her cup of milk. She adores PB&J and will also eat a grilled cheese if it's made in the toaster - NOT in a pan. She's a nut. She has recently discovered a love for PB&Banana too. I occasionally mix it up and throw in some nutella if it's a special occasion. Abby chills in the swing while we eat.

1:30 Playtime. If we have any errands to run, now's the time. I haven't gotten out much with both girls yet, so we are tending to stay at home. Emma loves to help me fold diapers, so we do this every other day. If it's cool enough, we go outside to play. She loves bubbles and to swing.

3:00 Nap #2. We've tried cutting Emma back to 1 nap because she won't always sleep during this nap, but it was ugly. Very ugly. She still doesn't always sleep, and takes forever to fall asleep, but once she's down she sleeps from 1.5-2 hours and our world is much better for it.

5:30 Wake Up. We usually have to wake Emma up from this nap. She's not usually very happy about that, but if we don't, she won't sleep at night. Brad usually gets home around this time.

6:00 Dinner or Mimi's. We go to my mom's several nights a week for dinner. This is when we make it out the door to go. If we're staying at home, I start cooking by this point. Brad has just gotten home and can watch the girls while I cook.

6:30-7:00 Dinner. It's not always this late, but sometimes is. Emma is a pretty good dinner eater. She adores jambalaya, spaghetti (shabeggy), chicken of any assortment (as long as there's a sauce to dip in), anything Mexican (white chicken chili is a favorite), and hot dogs. She'll try just about anything, but is fairly picky. If it's something she likes, she chows down.

7:30-8:00 Nuggle Bed. That's what Emma says around this time. Once the kitchen is cleaned, we pile in the bed to watch Peppa Pig. It's one show that we all enjoy. If you haven't seen it, you should.

8:00-8:30 Bathtime. Brad and I take turns for baths. On my night, I actually take a bath with the girls. It's just the easiest and most time-conscious thing. Abby goes first, and then while Brad's putting her jammies on, it's Emma's turn.

9:00-9:30 Once Emma and I are out, I read stories to Emma and we say our prayers. Then Brad puts her in the bed while I nurse Abby. Abby goes down right after.

Well, that's pretty much a typical day. I had worried so much before Abby came about how things would go. How on earth would I manage getting them both out of the bed if they woke up at the same time? How would we do baths? It's really been SO much easier than I had expected. It was so nice to have Abby come on Brad's first week off of school for the summer, so we had the entire summer to figure things out. This is the beginning of my second week alone with both girls and it's going great. I'm really enjoying my new normal with my 2 girls!

2 Months Old

Just as it did (and does) with Emma, time is flying with Miss Abby. She's growing so quickly and it's moving way too fast for her Mama. We just had her 2 month pediatrician's appointment. She weighs 9lbs. 13 oz. Emma weighed 12lbs. 4oz. at the same appointment!! She is 22.25 inches. She is in the 10th-25th percentile for weight, and 25th-50th percentile for height. She's long and lean! She got 2 shots and SLEPT THOUGH THEM! She fussed for about 10 seconds and then fell back asleep on the exam table, without me picking her up. She's just such a sweet heart.

She's a good little eater, but spits up a TON. The doctor says that it's considered reflux, but because it doesn't cause her any discomfort, there's no reason to treat it with medication. She'll likely grow out of it by 6 months or so. In the mean time, she's just a messy girl! In fact, when Brad picked her up out of the bed last night, she spit up SO much and so fast, that I could hear it splatter all over her co-sleeper and the carpet. Fun times. Particularly at 4:00 AM. I can't begin to tell you how many times we've had to change the sheets or her entire outfit SEVERAL times a night. It's no fun.

Abby is such a good little sleeper these days! We had been waking her up one last time before we went to bed to eat. She has been going down to bed around 9:00PM when Emma does, and we are putting her in her crib in her room for the first stretch. After her last feeding before we go to sleep, we put her in our room in the co-sleeper. Well, one night we decided to let her sleep and wake up to eat on her own. Ever since then, she sleeps in her room from 9:00-4:30AM, and then wakes to eat. She then goes back to sleep in our room until around 8:30!! It's awesome. Now if WE can just get to sleep a little earlier.....

She's started to really smile and coo lately. She's such a sweet heart. She loves to just be laid down on a blanket and play. She doesn't mind tummy time at all, which is not something I'm used to! She adores her big sister and will look around until she finds her. She's great in the car, unless her passy falls out and she's hungry.

Abby is still in a lot of newborn clothes. She also wears a lot of 0-3 month and a few 3 month onesies, though they are pretty darn big on her. I still can't get over what a peanut she is.

She looks SO different from Emma to us both. Her hair is so much darker and her face is just different. She looks a ton like her Mama, and just about everyone who sees her mentions that. I certainly don't mind. ;) In fact, she really looks a lot like my Dad. She has his blue eyes, his cleft chin, and pretty much his entire face. It's a bittersweet blessing to me.

Emma is such a sweet big sister. She will get down in Abby's face and talk to her. She knows that Abby can't talk back, so she carries the entire conversation. It sounds something like this. "Hi Abby, whatcha doin Abby? You want some mango juice, Abby?" It's just precious. There doesn't seem to be a mean or jealous bone in her body. They both adore each other.

Brad went back to school today for the first day of pre-planning. It's my first day at home alone with both girls. It's been interesting! I'm trying to get Emma down to 1 nap a day. Emma's gotten used to having everything she wants given to her as soon as she requests it because we've had 2 sets of hands here all summer. Well, times they are a changin. She's a whiny mess and we've got to work on that. Abby is also used to being held whenever she wants to. Don't get me wrong, when she's in a good mood, she'll sit contently for a good chunk of time in her bouncy seat. But if she's hungry or sleepy, she's not a happy camper unless she's in my arms. It's tough to figure out what to do with one while I'm "doing" with the other. That's the biggest challenge of having 2 so far. Emma's a great helper though, and is a pretty good sport.

We've also discovered our love of "the sling." I used one with Emma from very early on and she adored it. Abby is exactly the same way! She immediately calms down if she's upset. She's had a rough couple of days because she got 2 shots at the doctor yesterday, and the sling has been the only way I've been able to "put her down" for a majority of the day. It's SUCH an awesome thing - a definite 'must have' for any new mom.
I'd better run. I can see Abby squirming on the video monitor, and I'm pretty sure I just heard Emma talking as well. So much for a long nap!!

Abby Dabby

I've been writing this post in my head for 5 weeks now, but have just gotten around to putting it down in words. I wanted to take a few minutes to talk about my sweet Abby. Before I do, let me talk about Emma for a minute.

Emma is the best big sister in the entire world. She adores her baby "sisser." She lights up every time she sees her and has NEVER shown aggression or jealousy when Brad or I are with Abby. It's like they have always existed together. With that said, we have taken lots of care to make her feel included and indulge her whenever she wants to "hold it" or kiss on Abby so that she doesn't feel left out. I have fallen more and more in love with Em as I have seen her become a big sister. I've been SO impressed with her acceptance and happiness with her new role. As much as I wanted a baby, the main reason that I wanted Abby so badly was for Emma. She may not understand now, but she will one day.


Now onto Abby. We often call her "Abby Dabby" and Emma's version of that is "Abby Abby." She's got plenty of nicknames already.

She is an OK sleeper. Some would say great. She sleeps great when Mommy's holding her! She sleeps 3 hour stretches at night, and is falling back to sleep right after eating during most wake-ups now. She has had the occasional 4-5 hour stretch, but it's been rare, and I've feared she was dead on more than one occasion! Luckily, she sleeps in the co-sleeper, just beside my bed. Her Daddy doesn't deal well with a lack of sleep, but he's getting better at it. He is awesome - when she wakes up, he gets her, changes her diaper, and hands her to me to feed. When she's done, he re-swaddles her and hands her back. It is SUCH a help!



We often put her down around 11:30-12 at night (after we've given both girls baths, put Emma down at 9:00, and then showered ourselves, finished cleaning up, etc.) She typically wakes around 3-4, and then 7-8. As sleepy as I consistently am, I am actually getting more sleep than I did when pregnant with her!

She's a snuggle bunny. She seems to form perfectly to the curvature of my body - whether over my shoulder just in the crook of my neck, or into the bend in my arm. She's just precious to hold.

She's started to make lots of eye contact, and smiling is just around the corner. I can feel it!

The poor girl has developed TERRIBLE baby acne. It started on the day of her 1 month check-up and the doctor told me that it's caused by her hormones from my body that were left over from pregnancy. The poor girl looks like she's about to go to prom. Brad says she needs Mama to call and get her some Proactiv. ;)


Speaking of her appointment, she's a growing girl! She was 8lbs 0.5oz! That's up from 6lbs. 13oz at her last appt! I'm one proud Mommy. Emma was over 10lbs at her 1 month appt, just to compare. Wowza.

She loves her paci. She uses the same kind Emma did, MAM. She doesn't particularly like the swing, but seems to enjoy her bouncy seat. She sits in it when we eat mostly. She PREFERS to be in my arms, but settles for the bouncy. ;)

She's the most laid back baby I've ever seen. She's SO happy and content. I had no idea how high-maintenance Emma was as a baby (and STILL is!) until we had Abby. I think that's best though. God knew what he was doing. If we had a laid-back baby first, and THEN Emma, we would have died. As it was, we just adored every single second, even of the crying, not knowing it could be any other way.


She's a great eater. She's breastfeeding solely, and is awesome at it. She hasn't had to supplement with formula since the day of her last pediatrician's appointment when she was about 10 days old. She caught on SO quickly once my milk came in, and we really never had any issue. Whether that was because I was more relaxed this time around, or because she was just brilliant, I may never know. I was prepared for the nightmare that it was the first time around. Emma and I had a HARD time. She would scream at the top of her lungs when I would try to latch her on, and we would both cry together. It has never been a source of stress for either one of us this time around. A blessing!

We've pretty much graduated to completely cloth diapering Abby. However, Brad still uses disposables at night. He says that he is pretty much asleep while changing her overnight, and it's just a little less complicated to use disposable. We're nearly out of those though, so he'll convert pretty soon! She's still in newborn diapers, though she could use a size 1 now. She is still wearing newborn clothes, and probably will for awhile. 3 month clothes swallow her. My friend Amber saved our butts with the clothing - she let us have several of her daughter's newborn outfits. We barely had ANY with Emma because she was in 3 month clothes nearly from the start.

I have a really special bond with Abby. I had an incredible bond with Emma as well, and still do. However, Abby and I are on the same wavelength. Emma and I often butted heads (on nursing, sleeping, swaddling......lots of stuff) and still do! I think I'm gonna be in for it when she's a teenager!

Abby and I have just never gone there. We agree on things. We just are, existing on the same plane. She's very "go with the flow" and relaxed. Being with her physically relaxes me. There's no stress, no rush, no sense of urgency. Just calm. I have known what her cries meant from day 1, and she's really not had much reason to cry because I SWEAR I can read her mind. My mom told me the other day that we reminded her of a mother monkey and her baby. I was only SLIGHTLY offended, until she explained. When she looks at me holding her, it seems so natural. Like you would never see one without the other. That's so true. It's like I physically NEED to have her near me. It's very strange, and probably something only understood by another mother.

I think a very real part of this connection is because of all that we went through together. I was pregnant for ALL of the bad stuff with my Dad. Finding out the chemo didn't work, trying his last round of oral chemo drugs, getting sick. All of it. She was literally what kept me going. I couldn't sink completely into the depths of my sadness and grief because I HAD to keep going. I knew that Abby would suffer if I gave into that. I often wonder what effects my sadness and grief DID have on her. Is she so relaxed because I was such a wreck for 9 months? She was with me when I held my Dad as he took his last breath. She was with me when I literally clung to his casket. Did she know? Did she have a clue? I think she must have.

I think God knew what he was doing when he made her look just like her Mama. This girl looks SO much like my Dad. She has his mouth, chin. It's a daily reminder that he's never completely gone because he lives on in my girls. And my goodness, he would have eaten her up.

I know that it's going to tear my mom up, but I have to post this picture. It's of Emma and Dad. I know that he would be doing the exact same thing right now if he could.

Emma's 2!

I'm pretty late in posting about this, but I guess that you can say that we're quite busy these days. My spare moments to upload pictures (or even to TAKE them!) are few and far between, and I prefer to spend them with my girls.

Emma turned 2 on June 22nd, but we decided to celebrate on Father's Day. This year I planned a tiny little party for her. With a newborn at home, and a girl in the midst of the terrible 2s, a big party just wasn't a smart idea. We had Brad's parents and sister and my mom over to grill out. We grilled hamburgers and hotdogs and had lots of great sides.

Emma's favorite part? Her Elmo Airplane cake! The girl is obsessed with airplanes. She's also obsessed with Elmo, so it was a perfect combination. All of the attention was on her, which was exactly as she wanted it! She had the best time. She got a trampoline from her grandparents, and my mom got her a toddler slide. She was in hog heaven.






Of course we couldn't let her actual birthday go uncelebrated. We had her favorite meal (jambalaya!) and cupcakes on her special birthday plate. This was the first year that she was able to blow out her candles! She's so proud.





Ever since her birthday she's been saying "happy birthday Emma!" and asking to "blow" out candles. I, of course, have been giving in and lighting candles for her to blow out after her Daddy and I sing to her. I can't help it - the bashful grin that she gets afterwards just melts me.