Dad

It's been awhile since I did an updated post on my Dad, and his health has declined quite a bit since then. If I remember correctly, the last post I did was shortly after he stopped taking Tarceva, the chemo pill. He had been having nausea and diarrhea and had lost a good bit of weight. Well, that was when the floodgates opened.

He began actually vomiting a couple of weeks ago. He ate his last "meal" about 2 weeks ago this Sunday. He began to refuse to eat, knowing that he'd be sick if he did. He would eat a bite of food and vomit. He had an upper GI test done that showed 2 ulcers in his stomach, which would explain some of his stomach pain, but not the nausea. He was prescribed more anti-nausea medications than I can count, and none really helped. He began needing IV fluids daily because he literally wasn't eating or drinking anything. A home health agency has been sending a nurse out every day to give him IV fluids. It's been a huge event.

Last weekend his doctor recommended upping his anti-nausea medications to see if it would help. Within a day or 2, he began getting very disoriented and confused. It has gone downhill from there, despite changing the medications.

Right now, not much of what he says makes any sense. He mumbles and whispers and it's nearly impossible to understand what he's saying. Even when you DO understand, it is so incoherent. He talks about my grandpa like he just spoke to him yesterday, and tells you about their entire conversation. He's just in another world. On top of that, he's incredibly weak. He can't walk on his own and frequently bumps into things or falls, even when he's being helped to walk. He's still as stubborn as always, and keeps insisting that he needs to jump up out of bed to go SOMEWHERE. He can't be left alone - even for a second. He's a master at silently getting up if someone leaves the room for a second. In fact, the other night he managed to get out of bed, make coffee, go in the garage, and make it back into the living room. He was completely disoriented when my mom found him. It's very scary because there's NO telling what he could manage to do if he was alone.

My mom has been by his side nonstop since this all began. She gets no breaks. He isn't really sleeping, and is keeping them both up all night. If it's not constant trips to the bathroom, he's insisting that there's blood all over his hands, and getting belligerent when she tries to explain things to him. He's been "packing up the camper" as well. During the day, he is only "sleeping" for a few minutes at a time. When he does, his hands are often near his face, moving as if he's acting out his dreams. It's perhaps the saddest thing I've ever seen.

My aunts have been taking turns helping my mom and trying to provide her some bit of relief. I've been going over daily, but it's very hard because it's impossible for me to bring Emma with me and be of any use. I have to wait until Brad's home and can either watch her at our house, or watch her at Mom and Dad's while I visit with them or sit with Dad while my mom takes a bath. I don't really feel like I'm able to do any good, but I'm trying to be strong for my mom in anyway that I can. I have no idea how she's done this for so long. She's the truest testament of true love and of loving someone "in sickness and in health" that I've ever known. She's also the strongest person I've ever known. If you had ANY idea what she's gone through and put up with in the 30 years they've been married.......

On Tuesday my Aunt Nancy and Uncle Jim helped my mom take Dad to have an MRI. The doctors wanted to check his brain and see if the cancer had metastasized there, or if it was something else causing the dementia. His nurse came last night and was unable to even get a vein for an IV, despite she and my Aunt Nancy (who's a nurse) trying over and over. This morning my mom heard from the doctor's office. His brain scan was clear. However, it appears that his body systems are shutting down. She's waiting to speak to the doctor himself, but we've pretty much accepted that it's almost time to say goodbye. Hospice has been called and a nurse should be coming by the house sometime today.

In the end, I have to accept that he's made this decision himself. HE chose to stop eating weeks ago, and still refuses food when offered several times a day. There's nothing else anyone can do. At this point, IV fluids are just prolonging the inevitable. In some way, I'm so glad that he's so incoherent and unaware of what's going on around him. My worst fear has been his last moments and somehow, knowing that he will hopefully be unaware of the reality of what's happening is truly a blessing right now.

We're all devastated and would really appreciate your prayers during this difficult time. And thank you all for the prayers that you've been praying - they are being answered, even though only God knows what is best right now. I can't even begin to explain how terrified I am with what I know is about to happen. I'm trying to be as strong as I can, because I know that when it finally happens, it's going to take all that I have to avoid crawling under a rock and never coming out. I'll be 31 weeks pregnant in a few days. My only hope had been that Dad would be able to hold Abby. We know now that that won't happen. Devastation.