Angels

Since my Dad died, I have had some serious internal questioning going on.  I've always believed in heaven, God, life eternal.  I still do believe in all of those things.  I always assumed that if someone as close to me as my Dad passed away, I'd feel some sort of presence.  Shortly after he died I searched everywhere for him.  I found him in the red cardinal that suddenly decided that the best place to be while Emma and I were eating breakfast was right outside our kitchen window, staring in at us through the whole meal.  I saw him in the bluebird that perched on my mom's fence, sitting there while we talked about Dad, day after day.  


Since a little time has passed, I'm still looking, but finding nothing.  I don't feel his presence anywhere.  I see him in Abby.  GOD, do I ever.  Sometimes it's as though he's the one looking back at me from behind her eyes.  That's truly the only place.  It's pretty devastating.  


I said all of that, to tell you about this.  I think he may come visit Emma.  And no, I'm not crazy.  There have been SO many times that she's said things about him out of the blue.  At the exact moment he died, my sister-in-law told me that Emma started saying "Papa?  Papa?"  At the time, that was what she called him.  Since then, I've referred to him as "Grandpa."  Each night we pray for our family members by name.  We always pray for "Grandpa, in heaven with Jesus" (or "Stegis" as Emma used to say!).  She calls Brad's Dad "Grandpops," so it's not him that she's talking about.  


A few weeks ago we were eating dinner at my mom's house.  Emma reached up and grabbed  her head and scrunched her hair, just like Dad used to do to her.  She stared off into space while she did it and said "Grandpa!"  It was like she was seeing him.  


A couple of weeks ago I decided, out of the blue, to get Emma her first big ice cream cone.  I wanted to do something my Dad loved to do - give a toddler a huge ice cream cone and let them make a huge mess.  It's SO not my style, but I knew it was something my Dad would have already seen to that we do.  So we did.  On the way to the ice cream place, Emma looked out the window and said, "Hi Grandpa.  I see you Grandpa.  Whatcha doin, Grandpa?"  She speaks very clearly, and those were her exact words.  It took my breath away and I didn't even know what to say.  I've since thought that I should have asked her questions, and I WILL next time.  


I know that she remembers my Dad, even though it's been several months since she last saw him.  I've got a few pictures on the fridge, and have a necklace with his picture on it.  She always says "Grandpa!" when she sees them.  She also says "grandpa" when she sees pictures of men with gray hair and glasses that resemble my Dad.  I wish I could find the words that her little mind could wrap her head around to explain.  I just can't.  I want to take her with me to the cemetery, but don't think it's the time.  I know she'll ask questions that I don't know how to answer.  I'm sure I'll know when the time is right.  


I wish more than anything that he could see my girls right now.  He loved Emma more than anything in this world and would be so thrilled with how smart she is.  He would adore snuggling with Abby's sweet self.  I guess he IS seeing them right now, even though I struggle with the faith that he's still somewhere watching.  I hope and pray that I'll find him somewhere again, and that my faith will be restored.  I just wish I didn't have to wait until I make it to heaven for that to happen.  It's hard to accept the finality of death, and that I have no control over what God has planned.  This grasping for his presence won't make it happen.  I guess that's what faith is, huh?


It reminds me so much of one of my favorite Jars of Clay songs.  

"Like A Child"

Dear God, surround me as I speak,
the bridges that I walk across are weak
Frustrations fill the void that I can't solely bear
Dear God, don't let me fall apart,
you've held me close to you
I have turned away and searched for answers I can't understand

[Chorus:]

They say that I can move the mountains
And send them crashing into the sea
They say that I can walk on water
If I would follow and believe
with faith like a child

Sometimes, when I feel miles away
and my eyes can't see your face
I wonder if I've grown to lose the recklessness
I walked in light of you

[Chorus]

[Little girl:]
"I've got joy like a fountain!"
"Be kind one to others"
"In Jesus Christ Your son"

They say that love can heal the broken
They say that hope can make you see
They say that faith can find a Savior
If you would follow and believe
with faith like a child