Honesty

Most people who know me will tell you that I tell it like it is. It's true. However, as those closest to me can attest, I often keep most of my personal feelings bottled up until they run over. Yesterday was one of those days. I have kept so many feelings bottled up for way too long.

I keep this blog not only for myself to look back on, but for my girls. I want them to be able to look back at this and see what our lives were like "back then." I want them to see how much fun they had, and how much they were loved. I want them to see how much their mama adores them and always has. I hope they see that anyways. I don't only want them to know about the best times. The sugary sweet moments. The always happy, smiling, funny mama. I want them to know the honest truth. That I'm a human, that life is not always perfect, and that it's OK to feel ALL of your feelings.

While I have enjoyed and savored every single second that I get to spend at home with these girls, things are difficult. When I had Emma we had a good bit of money saved up from my years of teaching that we could use to "get by" so that I could stay home to be a full-time mom, my greatest desire. I knew things would be tough, but had no idea how much it would stress me out. Brad's paycheck as a teacher doesn't pay all of our bills, much less food, gas, car insurance. I had no clue how quickly our "savings" would be used. It's hard. I'm stressed on a daily basis just from managing our finances, but I hope my girls never see that. I'm fairly certain that they don't. When I'm with them, I'm 100% with them. My mind is nowhere else, and I try hard to keep it that way.

Let's be honest. Over the last 2 years, money has been the least of my stress. This year has SUCKED. My Dad getting sick and eventually passing away was the single hardest thing I've ever had to experience. It has ripped out my heart and I'm struggling to keep it together most days. Like I said, I put on a smile, keep focused on my girls, and I survive - putting one foot in front of the other because I HAVE to. But that's all.

I miss him every single moment of every single day. I've heard that at some point it will get easier, but I'm seeing no signs of that. I can't fathom a day where I miss him less or think about him less. I'm not really certain I want to. I just hope that a day can come where I can look back and smile. Not cry for my loss, but merely be thankful for the time we had. I AM thankful, but I'm also deeply, deeply grieving and sad. How do you piece your heart back together when it's been broken so permanently? When will a quiet moment to myself pass by with peace instead of tears? When will I be able to look at pictures of him and just be happy, instead of thinking of how it felt to speak my last words to him as I watched him slip away?

I want those last 2 weeks to disappear. I don't want them in my memories. I don't want to see what I saw, feel what I felt, or let those horrible memories taint my recollection of my sweet Daddy. I just want to remember him as he was when I was growing up. Before his depression, before his physical pain, before the drinking, before he got sick. He was the best Dad in the whole world. I'm quite certain that no one has ever loved me more, or ever will again.

What's my point? Abby, Emma, it's OK to be sad. It's OK to let the tears fall and even more OK to let someone comfort you. It's OK to be angry and to grieve like there's no tomorrow. But there IS tomorrow. You have both taught me that. I would never have made it this far out of the pits of depression without you both. I'm still working on myself. I'm working on being genuinely happy again, but have no idea how to make that happen yet. I'll get there. I love you both more than life itself, as did your Grandaddy. I can never thank you both enough for giving me reason to get up in the morning, and reason to be a better person tomorrow than I am today.

Love you both, your Mama.